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Jun. 12th, 2008 @ 06:49 pm Notes to myself
Current Mood: lethargic
Current Music: "Sweet Revenge," Krypteria

Posted publicly for added accountability.

*

You may think the fact that you're preparing for the departmental graduation ceremony tomorrow along with the rest of the staff, plus preparing for a conference, which requires preparing for a trip to Cincinnati, is good reason to freak out. But remember that, this time last year, you were preparing your own graduation ceremony nearly by yourself, plus preparing for finals, plus preparing for a trip to Europe. And if you didn't die then, you certainly won't die now.

*

When you get an increase in income (either the automatic pay raise, or a new and higher-paying job, both of which would happen this summer), use the extra money to set up some regular donating. Either an annual payment, or maybe a regular deduction from your paycheck if that's doable. If you're doing well right now at your current salary, any raise you receive does not necessarily need to stay with you.

*

You've bought enough CDs for now. Wait until the new ones arrive before ordering more.
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Jun. 12th, 2008 @ 08:35 am Blargh
Current Mood: nauseated

Stomach feeling queasy this morning. Probably stress-related. Trying to relax.

Not eager to go to the gym after work. Also left my workout shoes at home. Trying to decide if physical benefit of workout = or > discomfort of inadequate shoes (or just socks?) and possible stomach blah.

In other, happier news, Nightwish's "Dark Passion Play" is very good.
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Jun. 5th, 2008 @ 10:53 am Thursday morning blah
Current Mood: sleepy

I firmly believe that you can affect how you feel about your circumstances. Not that you can entirely control your reaction, of course, and just get rid of a bad one or make up a good one. But if I'm reacting in a way that's unreasonable or unhealthy, I can at least examine why I feel this way, or figure out a healthier response and give myself reasons why I can work toward that response.

But sometimes it's hard, and today I'm in something of A Mood that's making things difficult. A mixture of actual (though small) bothers and possibly some physical/hormonal stuff. I'm working through it, but I'm going to distract myself with other things that are not bringing me down ...

1. Movie night at [info]jfrog78's was awesome! Of course we talked some about Warmakers, but we also watched Hot Fuzz and ate good food and just got to hang out. That's something I miss about the Warmakers campaign as much as the game itself. I hope to do something like this again in the future (with a [info]mimerki this time!) but I'm glad we got to do it while [info]coramegan is still in town.

2. [info]jfrog78 also lent me some Kamelot CDs, so I have some new music to tide me over until my CD order arrives. Also, Kamelot was one of the bands I was looking at when I made my order, but I held off on them because I wasn't certain how much I'd like them based on the online samples I heard, so now I can try them without risk. :D

3. Emailing back and forth with [info]ratzeo this morning, since he didn't have class. I ♥ my boy.

4. On an utterly vain note, I am feeling pretty good about my hair. When I originally got it cut (and, more importantly, styled by a talented hairdresser), I thought it looked fabulous. Then I slept on it and washed it, and thought it looked dumb and kicked myself for trying to get a fancy haircut. Aaaaaand now I'm not freaking out anymore, and figuring out how to make it work, and even though it's not fabulous it looks fine. :P

5. Going out in the middle of the week tricks my body into feeling like the next work day is Monday. But tomorrow is Friday, woo!
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May. 31st, 2008 @ 10:21 am Haircuts and endings
Current Mood: nostalgic
Current Music: "Trigger," Nakamura Fukiko

In a couple of hours I'm going to get my hair cut by [info]kyonkun and [info]aznridah's hairdresser (ooh, doesn't that sound fancy? ;D).

Almost a week ago, I played the final adventure of Warmakers.

The relationship between these two things probably only makes sense in my mind, but it's real enough for me. A few weeks ago, I joked to [info]shadawyn that chopping your hair off is something you do after a breakup, so it figures that I'd do it right after my long-term relationship with Warmakers ended. XD (Not that I'm actually chopping my hair short ... and not that I'm really done with Warmakers, at least not if you count fic ... oh well.)

The end of Warmakers means, of course, the end of a D&D campaign - but also no more episodes of a story that I've been following for a year and a half, and has hardcore eaten my brain for at least the past six months; no more going to [info]shadawyn and [info]irishninja's apartment every other Sunday and seeing the other players; no more obsessive poring over one of my favorite character builds to date ... It's the end of a lot of stuff, obviously. More than that, it's change. And change always leaves me feeling kind of wistful and wooby.

So the thought of other changes - either little ones, like my pending haircut, or big ones, like moving in with [info]ratzeo later this year - are setting off my woobiness and leave me feeling sensitive.

I don't mind. In a weird way, I enjoy being sensitive, when it makes me feel so strongly in a positive way (either a straight-up "yay I'm happy about this" way, or a bittersweet "I'm sad I no longer have this, but that means it was something I really liked" way). Of course, being sensitive can have its downsides like feeling so easily panicked by the prospect of the NWSA conference in THREE WEEKS that I currently can't look too closely at my notes without getting bad heart-poundy feelings but ANYWAY. But even if the really strong good moods are fleeting, and the bad moods are disruptive, it's good to occasionally be made to really pay attention to, and experience, the world. At least I think so.

Oh, and if anyone is interested, here is the model image that I will be giving to the hairdresser. Here's hoping it looks that good!
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May. 23rd, 2008 @ 11:50 am Sick day, sorta
Current Mood: trying not to become my icon

Started feeling ill last night. Looks like I've finally succumbed to whatever has been making people around me sick. Took a sick day today to hopefully nip it in the bud. I'm confident I can; recently I've been able to avoid down-and-out sickness by taking a day to recuperate early on. And I WILL be well for Warmakers, dammit.

Today's last-day-before-game to-do list:

[x] eat lunch
[ ] keep consuming tea, oranges, vitamin C supplements
[x] take a nap only if necessary for recovery, not if I'm just feeling lazy (I didn't nap ... which I consider accomplishing this goal!)
[x] finish level 18 Khag
[x] level 19 Khag
[x] character sheet for Khag's mount
[x] print final version (no, really, for real this time) of Sae character sheets
[ ] last-minute plans for followers?? + crash course in Ranger spellcasting
[x] clean stove
[x] packing list for weekend
[x] pack what's on the list
[x] eat dinner
[x] get to [info]ratzeo's at a decent hour
[ ] if time permits: fanart?
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May. 22nd, 2008 @ 08:38 am (no subject)
Current Mood: anxious

I was really tired last night due to the sleep-dep, but still made myself go to the gym like I'd planned. I figured the exercise would help with the headache-y/nauseous feelings. (And it did - or maybe the weather cooling down helped. Or maybe both. Either way, I'm happy to be improving.)

I was still super-tired, though, so I promised myself I'd get a nap in. However, once I got back from the gym, took a shower, and ate dinner, it was pretty late. So, as you can expect, my "nap" turned into a two-hour-what-time-is-it-OH-SNAP-IT'S-MY-BEDTIME. orz

So no progress on leveling last night. *sigh*

On the positive side, all my leveling tools are here with me (either paper notes or online SRDs), so I will be leveling during my lunch break. 8D

And tonight ... oh, I don't know. I hope I'll have some extra time after I finish all my new character sheets, because I'd like to do something creative. Fic or art, it doesn't matter; but I want to get something else done for the Warmakers Endgame Extravaganza. (And yes, I realize I can write fic and draw fanart after the campaign is over. But that's different.)

Two more days ZOMG.
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May. 21st, 2008 @ 08:07 am Gotta get my day started ...
Current Mood: tired

So I'm trying to resist the urge to be cranky and toss in the towel for the day. I spent last night building my character, but of course that took longer than expected (why did I think I could build a 19th level character in a couple of hours? I should know that I'm far too Type A for that). But I didn't want to quit, so I stayed up late ... and now I'm at work, both short on sleep and with an incomplete character.

On top of that, I believe the heat has caused me to be dehydrated or something, because I've been having regular headaches (which are probably also responsible for my recent unhappy stomach).

But! I can't give up on my day, so here's my "it's not so bad" happy list:

1. [info]ratzeo not only gave me access to his D&D library, but also provided plenty of helpful feedback and suggestions. He was also patient with my constant questions and tolerated my stressing out over my time constraints and difficulties with the character.

2. [info]ratzeo also reminded me that it is always a choice to let myself get stressed out. It may be hard to choose not to stress, but it is not impossible. And when I make that choice, not only am I happier, but those around me are, as well. This gets its own entry because it's very, very important for me to remember. It's also extra-happy that he is here to remind me.

3. On a lighter note ... my character is gonna be cool. 8D Alas, he will not be - as I originally envisioned - a giant cat-man wielding an orc double axe from the back of his dire tiger animal companion. I found a smarter and more efficient character build. But it's going to be pretty close to that original image.

4. If the heat is what's responsible for my headaches, then that should be going away now that we're not fluctuating wildly between autumn coolness and summer oven temperatures.

5. This. (I swear, the world is conspiring to make me want a Scottish Fold.)
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May. 16th, 2008 @ 02:15 pm It worked!
Current Mood: om nom nom

I love it when a determined effort to bring yourself out of a black mood pays off.

[info]ratzeo came to my office to meet me for my lunch break. I was late getting back from a meeting, and so he had to wait a while in the reception area - cue speculation about "that cute boy" from co-workers, mostly married and/or older women, who were delighted to meet my boyfriend. Because apparently my boy makes quite a splash. ♥

We spent the hour walking around campus, enjoying the gorgeous sunshine and fresh air (and, of course, talking about Warmakers).

And then when I got back, a co-worker sliced up a watermelon she had brought to share with the office. Delicious. :D~

It's not that these things wouldn't have happened without me telling myself to cheer up. But determining to make myself happier put me in a better mood to receive good things, which in turn made the good things even better. And now I ♥ the world.
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May. 16th, 2008 @ 08:19 am Stupid body
Current Mood: blah

Ugh. My body decided to be stupid and hit me with about of nausea in the middle of dinner last night. Not food poisoning, not PMS-related, not vomit-inducing - just enough queasiness to render speech impossible and make me useless for anything besides going home and curling up until it went away. This is especially frustrating because it used to happen to me all the time as a teenager, but then it went away and should not come back now that I'm taking care of myself and being healthy. >:(

So that meant productivity was shot for the evening, which makes me grumpy. I'm trying to get my mood back on track this morning:

1. Prior to the stomach blargh, I was having a wonderful time on my date with [info]ratzeo, discussing plans for the Warmakers endgame.

2. Today is Friday, and it is sunny and warm.

3. This.

4. BPAL will (most likely) post this month's update tonight. I'm not looking forward to it because I actually want to make an order (perhaps it's best if I don't establish a pattern of monthly BPAL orders, you know ;D), but I like the prospect of new shinies to read about and put on my future-order wishlist.

5. Tomorrow is the first day of the Street Fair! I probably won't get to go until Sunday, but I'm still jazzed for it.
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May. 15th, 2008 @ 12:40 pm I should not grumble about being happy ...
Current Mood: busy

Making a happy list for today felt like a burden, because there are a bunch of little stressors that I wanted to think about instead. But that's exactly the time I should make a happy list, right?

1. I see the sun from my front desk - looks like it just came out a few minutes ago. And yeah, that will make my workout this evening a little blech (I tried to get all my weekly gym trips in before the heat arrived, but working out three days in a row is not a good idea). But for the rest of the week, I will wear cool clothes and drink cool liquids and enjoy the sunshine and warmth. ETA: I went outside for a quick walk at the end of my lunch break, and it was lovely. ♥

2. Just found out some relieving family news ... no thanks to [info]kyonkun. ;D

3. I'm running around like a headless chicken trying to figure out how to manage the plans I have for this weekend - but hey! It's all good stuff that I want to do, so there's really no way that I'm losing out, right? I have to run from one fun thing to the next!

4. One more week until Warmakers super-epic-mind-blowing-endgame-extravaganza! XD On top of running around like a headless chicken in terms of my social plans, I'm also a headless chicken who wants to squeeze in time to work on fanfic/art before the campaign ends. But that enthusiasm is a lot of fun, even if it makes me feel stretched a little thin.

5. Speaking of Warmakers, I'm still really happy with my last fic - not only did I really want to write it, but it was really easy to write (two things which do not always coincide!). And it represents, at least to me, so much fun and cool character growth that I've gotten to explore over the course of the campaign. Mind you, the end result of Sae's character is much different from what I envisioned at the beginning, and even from what I envisioned two months ago - but that's part of the fun. I've gotten to play around and figure out how story events, level progression, inter-character RP, and my own character's personality all fit together and worked towards a narrative conclusion. Some things went according to plan, some things came together in happy coincidences, and some things were challenges I had to figure out how to deal with. Now that's fun creative work.
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Mar. 27th, 2008 @ 11:57 am Complaints and remedies
Current Mood: tired

Finding a lot of reasons to be in a bad mood today. The complaints themselves are more or less legitimate, but the bad mood isn't justified. So I'm going to modify [info]shadawyn's happy list and see if I can't get rid of this grumpiness.

5 complaints )

ETA: There's no reason I shouldn't have a regular happy list, too.

5 happy things )
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Mar. 13th, 2008 @ 03:56 pm OTL-ness ahoy
Current Mood: blugh

cut for your sake )
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Feb. 28th, 2008 @ 04:18 pm A geeky thought
Current Mood: thoughtful

In James Alan Gardner's Explorer Corps series, each member of the Explorer Corps is drilled into acquiring one of three automatic responses to being surprised: some Explorers drop, roll, and rise in a fighting stance; some become utterly immobilized; and some (I believe) drop and crouch or cower. The idea is that, when Explorers are poking around in unknown planets, they have no idea what local predators are like, and what behavior constitutes a proper defense versus provocation of an attack, so you might as well try each technique and hope at least one person gets out alive.

Anyway. As you can imagine, Gardner uses the trained responses as a characterization technique. Festina Ramos, Our Heroine, is trained to the first response. She also has a tendency to seek out and/or attract conflict, and wades right into it. Youn Suu, the protagonist of Radiant (the latest novel in the series), is trained in the second response. Her personality, as well as the arc of her narrative, involves observing, deliberating, and coming to a conclusion, rather than fighting directly.

This isn't the only potential interpretation of the "freezing" response - someone who reacts that way could also become immobile and impotent, refusing to interact with the surroundings and letting things pass by without either engaging or learning about them.

I'm afraid that, at times, I react to surprise or conflict in this way - freezing rather than simply pausing, withdrawing rather than acting judiciously. I do try to move towards the latter, though - the Youn Suu response, I guess you could say. I want to be a deliberate, thoughtful person who takes considered actions. But sometimes I fall prey to weakness and just hide.

Just a thought I had. No real point to this besides that.
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Feb. 18th, 2008 @ 04:45 pm I think this is my body's way of being nice to me.
Current Mood: convalescing

I think going out for happy hour last night wasn't the greatest idea. I woke up in the middle of the night feeling sick and in pain. I'm still getting over it at this point, though I've improved. I've almost eaten an entire can of soup without my body rejecting it. Of course, being my body, it is very indecisive about the whole thing, and wibbles back and forth as to whether it will let me digest or not. So no risk of violent rejection right now, just a lot of uncomfortable physical displeasure. (Yes, I am indecisive down to my organs.)

However, it is almost suspiciously convenient that I felt totally fine all day Saturday, when I gorged myself on seafood and steak, and all day Sunday, when I ate my weight in junk food, and only got sick the night before a day when I had nothing planned. This means that I got to enjoy my Valentine's double date with [info]shadawyn and [info]irishninja at Salty's, the Warmakers slumber party at [info]jack_grimm's, and the Warmakers adventure itself. And I'm not even missing any work by staying home because it's a national holiday.

Hmm.

In other news, navelgazing )
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Feb. 4th, 2008 @ 07:35 pm Time to take stock
Current Mood: determined
Current Music: "Turn Off the Light," Nelly Furtado

I think I'm in a rut. )
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Jan. 2nd, 2008 @ 08:21 pm Contentment and complacency
Current Mood: contemplative
Current Music: "Grace," Kate Havnevik

Thinky thoughts about my activism, or lack thereof )
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Dec. 27th, 2007 @ 09:07 am Back
Current Mood: sleepy

Arrived back in Seattle last night. [info]neo_angiel kindly picked me and [info]kyonkun up from the train station.

Went out to dinner. Didn't make it home until 10:30ish. Had time to either unpack or get a full night's sleep; attempted both, with inadequate results.

Luckily it's quiet in the office, and I probably won't have to deal with many callers or visitors.

Am attempting to catch up on email and blogs and such. (Also, you know, work stuff, seeing as I'm at work. ^^;;)

Holiday was nice and quiet. Parents spoiled me with gifts of clothing, including lovely coats that make me feel like a grownup. Got a lot of reading done. Made plans for my Next Time Gamers' character (character-building RP stuff and numbers-boosting item stuff) using Races of Eberron and Magic Item Compendium. Drew some Warmakers fanart, using new Prismacolor markers with gradually improving (and therefore pleasing) results.

Came home to one (of the many) packages I'm expecting in the mail. On the one hand, online shopping is far too easy for the comfort of my credit card. On the other hand, I love my new shinies and totally don't regret it. :P It's my Christmas present to me, I guess.
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Dec. 22nd, 2007 @ 11:51 am Heading out

I'm on my way to my parents' today, so I'll have little-to-no Internet access for the next several days.

Thank you to the anonymous birthday greeter who sent me a text message this morning! I'm guessing it was [info]shadawyn, but I didn't get a name!

See you all later!
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Dec. 11th, 2007 @ 07:32 pm Blargh

Count me among the people who are sick. *sigh* And I was doing so well over the weekend, too; I'd almost kicked it.

I'm going to try to go into work tomorrow, because I, um, only have one day of sick leave left. And though I told myself I wouldn't freak out if I ran out and had to go unpaid, I didn't expect something like that to happen this soon. Especially since I will soon need to pay off my credit card bill from all my Christmas shopping.

What sucks is that, when I stay home sick, I can't do anything. I try to rest my body, but there's only so much you can sleep in a day. I don't have the energy or mental focus to do anything productive, even though I have a great book I want to read, or shiny new markers I want to color with (thanks to [info]shadawyn!). Instead I just listlessly surf the internet. And write whiny LJ entries, I guess.
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Nov. 5th, 2007 @ 11:51 am Monday, but getting better

I woke up this morning sleep-deprived, because I stayed up late for game, and in pain, because my shoulder decided to stop functioning correctly last night and send sharp pains down my upper arm whenever I raise it at a certain angle or put weight on it.

I decided the state of my morning merited a cup of coffee.

I spilled the coffee, which then poured off my desk and onto my surge protector.

Luckily, nothing exploded and I had enought time to properly turn off the things that were plugged in (computer, monitor, printer). I tossed the surge protector, wiped the power cords, and have since received a new surge protector from our tech support department.

The telephone at the front desk has also partially stopped functioning. This is more annoying than work-stopping, but I still want to get it fixed as soon as possible. Someone will be coming to fix it tomorrow morning, or, if I'm lucky, this afternoon.

I'll probably take a nap when I get home, and continue working on my shoulder to see if I can stretch or massage the problem away. So everything should be fixable. I just need to get past the Monday-ness of today.

One bright spot in my morning has been my co-worker lending me Indigenizing the Academy, an anthology about progressive/anti-colonialist scholarship. It'll be my first bit of "academic" reading since I got out of school, so I'm a little intimidated but also very interested.
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